Cardcaptor Sakura Abridged
by Rosabell
Summary: Inspired by Yugioh the Abridged Series though definitely not as good Lots of spoilers and poking fun at Cardcaptor Sakura. All in good humor though.
1. Sakura and the Mysterious Magic Book

Cardcaptor Sakura: Abridged (And turned upside down)

_Dream sequence; Sakura sees a book. Ding, ding!_

_Sakura: ' No one's actually saying anything, but who's calling me? And why is my voice so squeaky and high?'_

_She was wearing a cape, with cards flying all around her, and standing on a roof, with a tiny animal flying before her, staring at a radio tower. She steps off the roof onto an invisible platform and wings sprout out of her sneakers. Then she starts diving to her death._

Sakura and the Mysterious Magic Book

Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep!

Sakura: ' Eeegh!'

She looks around. Who actually grabs their alarm clock clean off the table and not turn it off when they wake up?

Sakura: ' Hm. I'll yawn and pretend that's normal.'

Fujitaka: ' Breakfast is ready! I'm going to speak in a normal voice and not shout it up there, because I know the sound editors will project my voice so you can hear me despite closed doors.'

Sakura: ' I, on the other hand, am going to shout like a normal person.'

While Sakura starts dressing, she begins talking about herself.

' So I'm Sakura Kinomoto. I'm going to list my profile so you know everything about me that's not actually relevant to the plot. I'm perky, I suck at math, and I'm a cheerleader-type girl that most people would vomit at had I been about four or five years older. And when I see my brother drinking whatever it is from his cup, I'm going to facefault because he's teasing me, even though he hasn't actually said a word yet.'

Touya: ' Why are you talking to yourself?'

Sakura: ' I wasn't talking to myself!'

Touya: ' I certainly heard you talking about yourself, in any case. You were listing all your good qualities. You're not schizophrenic, are you?'

Sakura: ' I'm not schizophrenic! I'm going to grow tall and stomp on you for that remark!'

Touya, while drinking from his cup again, : ' Yup. You're delusional.'

Fujitaka: ' I totally didn't hear my children screaming at each other from right next to me. You two get along so well!'

Touya: ' I'm done. Heading to school, bye.'

Some fast footage of Sakura slipping on her armor;

Sakura: ' Where's Oni-chan?'

Fujitaka: ' He went on without you. And I totally just let him do it, even though I am his father and normally fathers would probably tell their children to wait for their siblings.'

Sakura: ' What? Now I have to catch up!'

Fujitaka: ' Have fun! I totally don't care if you slip on your rollerblades at the pace you're going!'

Sakura starts skating at breakneck speed even though a person on a bicycle should go much faster than her with less effort.

Touya: ' You know, in Japan, it is actually safe for kids your age to go to school alone.'

Sakura: ' Yeah, but I want to see Yukito-san. And I'm totally not out of breath.'

Touya: ' Hey, there's Yuki. Yuki!'

Yukito: ' Ohayo! Why did they hire a woman to be my voice actor?'

Touya: ' I don't know. You're just that gay.'

Yukito: ' But _you—_'

Touya: ' Don't give it away!'

Yukito: ' Right…So Sakura, you got up early today! This implies you usually don't get up early enough to see me.'

Touya: ' She wolfed down her breakfast. Somehow this is supposed to be embarrassing. Maybe it's the Japanese culture?'

Sakura: ' Since we're all cartoons, I'm going to kick Oni-chan with my rollerblades because I'm totally not going to fall over and I'm definitely not going to break his leg.'

She kicks Touya, who groans like he's dying.

Sakura smiles at Yukito. ' I'm going to pretend you didn't see that.'

Yukito smiles back. ' Me too. Not concerned about To-ya at all.'

(Oh my god. Yukito sounds like ME. Seventeen-year-old guys sounding like girls are asking to get picked on in high school, I'm sorry.)

Yukito throws something at Sakura. ' See you later!'

It was a piece of candy.

Sakura: ' I'm too old to be bribed with candy…but this is soooo romantic!'

Tomoyo: ' I consider candies to be very romantic gifts. Even though that particular one is something between a tootsie roll and a starburst in terms of quality.'

Sakura: ' Wah! You scared me!'

Tomoyo: ' I have an even higher and squeakier voice than Sakura-chan!'

Tomoyo: ' So I bought a new camcorder to stalk you with!'

Sakura: ' Why are you stalking me?'

Tomoyo: ' Because I'm in love with you!'

Sakura falls over. ' Sigh…'

Later in class

Sensei: ' What the hell am I teaching, guys with their mouths open and magical tangerines? Is this in the Japanese curriculum?'

Sakura: ' Don't know, but the next passage says that the magical tangerine is actually a butterfly in disguise.'

Later at cheerleading practice

Sakura: ' Flip! I can totally do flips! Of course this was made easier by the fact that I'm actually a cartoon and can jump about three times higher than normal people if animators really want me to.'

Noako and Chiharu: ' We're totally fans of yours, Sakura-chan!'

Seisei: ' Very nice. Now, we're going to abruptly switch from cheerleader-mode to majorette-mode!'

Sakura: ' This baton-tossing is melting my brain. I'm going to keep obsessing over a dream that most people would pass off as nonsense and hit myself on the head.'

Chiharu: ' Oh My God. Sakura dropped her baton. This is, like, impossible. There is no way Sakura drops any baton. Because she's infallible as a majorette.'

Sakura: ' I am soo embarrassed, and I'm going to start crying.'

Later that day

Sakura: ' Tadaima! No one's home? Why do we have a whiteboard in the house?'

As Sakura searches for food, she hears a rumbling in the basement.

Sakura freaks out. She creeps downstairs with much anticipation from the viewer. After way too long, she finds the book.

Sakura: ' It's glowing. This is the scariest thing I've ever seen. A glowy book.'

The book opens.

Sakura: ' Ah! Somehow that's even creepier than the fact that the book is glowing! Hm. Maybe I should open the book.'

Open.

' Why is everything written in English? Isn't this show in Japanese? Hm. First one says Windy.'

Boom! Cards scatter everywhere and disappear. Somehow Sakura manages to hold on to the Windy Card and not drop the book despite it all.

Sakura: ' That was weird.'

Kero: ' Dramatic entrance…KONNICHIWA!! I'm amazed you managed to wake me up, even though you were supposed to in the first place.'

Sakura: ' You have an Osaka accent…'

Kero: ' Yeah, because this book was in Osaka for so long, I caught the accent. Even though I was sleeping the entire time.'

Sakura: ' Despite all the supernatural things that just happened, I'm going to assume that you actually make sense even though you popped out of a glowing book, and I'm going to look for the batteries and hopefully a power switch to turn you off because you're creepy.'

Kero: ' You idiot! I'm Kerberos! Beast of the Seal!'

Sakura: ' I'm really confused.'

Kero: ' I make sure the cards don't do anything stupid. Speaking of which, where are they?'

Sakura: ' They're gone.'

Kero: ' NANI?! As punishment, you are going to bring me all the desserts and food that you have!'

Later that day,

Kero: ' I can't sense where the cards are so you are going to have to blindly search for them. Here's a wand. Now scat!'

Sakura: ' What? I can't capture a bunch of magical flying cards? I'm ten years old! And this is Japan! Japanese kids don't have time to go around chasing after magical spirits! How am I going to get into a decent college at this rate?'

Kero: ' This is CLAMP. As in, CARTOON. ANIME. You have as much time as the animators want, and college doesn't exist in our world. Now I'm going to bounce on this pillow because you're going to take care of everything instead of me.'

Sakura: ' I'm not going to do this!'

Kero: ' Yes you are!'

Glaring contest. Suddenly the wind blows through the window. Sakura rushes to it, trying to close it.

Kero: " Sakura! Look! There's a huge phoenix screaming in the air! And somehow none of Tomoeda noticed this thing! I wonder what the airplanes do in this case?'

Sakura: ' A Phoenix? What on earth is that?'

Kero: " A Clow Card. Probably the Fly. I'm not sure, even though I've seen each of these cards before. There's 52 of them! I'm not going to remember all of them!'

Sakura: ' Oh my god.'

Kero: ' Go catch it!'

Sakura: ' But it's _flying. _What am I supposed to do, swing around like Spiderman?'

Kero: ' You keep forgetting this. You're a CARTOON. This means you can rollerblade at high speeds and catch up to a flying bird even though you have houses and trees blocking your path and are therefore forced to make detours.'

Sakura: ' How come Oni-chan and Otou-san didn't notice I'm going out rollerblading in my pajamas? And how come the streets are empty?'

The Phoenix then lands, and looks impressive.

Sakura: ' I can't catch something that huge!'

Kero: ' Don't be a wimp! So what if that thing's big enough to probably eat you?'

Fly: ' Screech! No one in Tomoeda's going to hear me anyway! And I'm going to adapt the Windy's powers and blow you away without even flapping my wings!'

Kero manages to slow down Sakura's fall while she was sailing through the air, even though he is the size of her hand.

Kero: ' Use your magic! Do it impressively!'

Sakura summons the staff.

Kero: ' Use Windy! Even though birds use wind to help them fly faster, somehow with Clow Cards you can actually tie it up with moving air currents. It probably has something to do with the fact that the scriptwriters couldn't come up with anything clever to capture Fly with.'

Sakura: ' That makes no sense…'

Kero: ' Shut up and do as I say. And even though Windy is a long-ranged card, you're still gonna have to get close to the bird.'

Sakura: ' Are you freaking kidding? I'm out of here!'

Sakura starts skating for her life.

Fly: ' Why am I flying so low? I'm trying to stay free! Isn't this counterproductive to my goal?'

Sakura: ' I'm going to jump on its back! Because that sure beats having to skate for my life! Even if it ends up dropping me from a thousand feet up!'

She jumps up and summons Windy, which, strangely, manages to bind Fly even though it's nothing but currents of air. Sakura captures it.

Sakura: ' This is insane! I'm totally not doing this again!'

Kero: ' You're gonna be great! I can't wait for our next capture!'

Sakura: ' But I'm not doing it again!!'

Kero: ' Why don't you try Fly first and then decide?'

Sakura summons Fly. She then starts flying across the city, which has neither noticed the presence of a huge mile-long bird in the sky nor noticed a girl in pajamas sitting on a pole with wings behind her.

Sakura: ' This is so cool! I'm totally forgetting about the fact that I nearly DIED!'

End credits.

Kero: ' Hi! I'm going turn into Tyra Banks and describe to you all the wonderful qualities of this roughly drawn Japanese uniform Sakura's wearing! And coming up next…Sakura's Wonderful Friend!'

(Are you freaking kidding me)


	2. Sakura's Wonderful Friend

Cardcaptor Sakura: Abridged (And turned upside down)

Kero: ' Wake up Sakura!'

Sakura looks up blearily. ' Osaka-accent…despite having the experience of my life last night, I totally can't remember what happened yesterday and why any stuffed animal would be waking me up today.'

Kero folded his arms. ' I'm hungry. Get me food. NOW!'

Touya: ' Breakfast is ready! Like Otou-san, I'm not going to bother raising my voice, which makes me wonder what the voice actors are thinking in this show.'

Sakura: ' My voice actress, though high and squeaky, will actually scream at you. I'M COMING!'

Later, at breakfast,

Sakura: ' As revenge for not waiting for me yesterday, I'm going to go off to school without waiting for you.'

Touya: ' You have to go _early._ Why should I care? Unlike some people, I know how to go to school by myself in Japan.'

Sakura: ' I'm supposed to clean up stuff, not to mention I want to see Yukito-san. Bye now I'm going!'

At Yukito's house, Sakura peeps over the bushes to find that Yukito was not there.

Sakura: ' What exactly am I doing here? He's obviously not here and I obviously don't expect him to be.'

Yukito: ' Boo.'

Sakura: ' Aaah! Ano…Yukito-san…hehe…'

Yukito blinked. ' Ohayo Sakura-san. What are you doing here?'

Sakura: ' Ah…good question. Ano…why are you gardening before school starts? Shouldn't you leave that for the afternoon?'

Yukito: ' I'm not sure. It's either Japanese people do their gardening and sweeping in the morning, or Clamp simply wants me to look like I'm doing something before I meet you. By the way, you're actually here earlier than your brother! Why so early?'

Sakura: ' I'm supposed to go clean up the classroom before school starts today.'

Yukito: ' Wonderful! That shows that you are a good citizen! And despite the fact that I am seven years older than you, I'm going to flirt with you by peeling off flowers from my own bush and hand them to you so you can look good by beautifying your school. How about that?'

Sakura: ' That's so kind of you! You're such a nice guy. Arigatou gozaimasu!'

Yukito: ' I'll show more concern for your well-being than your father did yesterday by actually warning you to be careful while rollerblading backwards on a street while staring at me.'

Sakura: ' I'm going to ignore the stupidity of rollerblading backwards without looking and nearly fall over. I'm going now!'

Yukito waves. _I'm torn between thinking she's cute and thinking she's stupid._

Later, in school, Sakura enters the empty classroom.

' Wai! I'm first! I'm supposed to be anyway since I'm supposed to clean up the classroom, apparently all by myself. Alright! Now I'm going to sit down at my seat like a good girl and totally not clean up the classroom as I had been saying for the first six minutes of the show.'

Tomoyo then walks in.

Tomoyo: ' Ohayo, Sakura-chan!'

Sakura: ' Ohayo, Tomoyo-chan! You're here early!'

Tomoyo: ' I'm going to say good morning again, this time formally. Ohayo gozaimusu! By the way, I saw you yesterday flying around on a winged broom and somehow managed to videotape the whole thing. I'm not sure why I am the only one that saw you yesterday, but I was!'

Sakura: ' This is not good!'

Kero: ' I'm going to choose to make the situation worse by exposing myself from your bookbag! What's wrong Sakura?'

Sakura: ' You idiot!'

Tomoyo: ' It will take me a full five seconds to recognize you from that stuffed animal in the video. And it was necessary for me to look at the video and than back at you again in order to cope with my very short term retention of your image.'

_Footage of recess, where obviously the Clamp animators were too lazy to animate anyone so therefore everyone is frozen in positions that are impossible in real life. Let the viewers imagine people to be moving!._

Kero: 'Your bookbag sucks.'

Sakura: ' You shouldn't have tagged along.'

Tomoyo: ' Can you introduce us, Sakura-chan? By the way, how come we didn't do the introductions this morning? We were both early.'

Sakura: ' I don't know. Maybe Clamp wanted to enhance the drama.'

Kero: ' It didn't work. Not to mention this doesn't make sense. But I am Kerberus, guardian of Clow Cards!'

Tomoyo: ' What are Clow Cards?'

Meanwhile, the Shadow Card is playing soccer with the students in the yard.

Kero: ' So Sakura is the Cardcaptor!'

Tomoyo: ' This gives me more reason to love you, Sakura-chan!'

Sakura: ' I'm not that cool. I was only flying around last night about three thousand meters in the air.'

Tomoyo: ' Demonstration!'

Sakura: ' Demo—'

Tomoyo: ' Demonstration!'

Sakura: ' Sigh. Fine.' She then holds out the pendant in front of everyone in the school and turns it into a staff. Somehow no one notices this.

Tomoyo: ' Wow! You should do this like Sailor Moon!'

Sakura: ' I already do this like Sailor Moon!'

Tomoyo: ' No you don't! You're not gay enough!'

Sakura facefaults.

Later that day when school ended, the Shadow Card drew everyone's shadows to the top of the building. Strangely enough, even though every human individual lost their shadow, the building's shadow was never disturbed.

Sakura's Wonderful Friend

The next day there was a big commotion at Tomoeda Elementary. Although shadows are immaterial, this Shadow Card was able to take on enough physical form to pile desks and chairs on each other for no apparent reason.

Sakura: ' Nani?' Everyone else was also confused. ' This is very weird!'

Tomoyo: ' Somehow I'm the one that realizes this is a Clow Card's doing even though Sakura-chan is the Cardcaptor.'

Later that day,

Kero: ' Huh…' After a long deliberation, ' Random chairs and desks piled up on one another? Definitely a Clow Card. Because these are things that Clow Cards do. Pile chairs and desks on top of each other.'

Sakura: ' Don't you think a Clow Card would do something less…childish?'

Kero: ' Please. This is Clamp.'

Sakura: ' At least we ended up arranging desks and chairs instead of having actual class. And none of the faculty members are curious at all as to who pulled this one off. Nope, no investigation at all. How convenient for me that Tomoeda is filled with people that just go along with the flow. And by the way, if it's a Clow Card, which one is it?'

Kero: ' How should I know? Back where I come from, we didn't have chairs and tables. Nope. We all sat on the ground and drew cave paintings. In any case, you better go catch this card.'

Sakura: ' Why?'

Kero: ' Are you seriously asking me that?'

Sakura: ' But this is impossible!'

Kero: ' NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE! Besides, it's all your fault.'

Sakura: ' Aren't you supposed to guard the cards in the first place? You're the one that let me release them!'

Kero: ' Editors! This isn't part of the script!'

Clamp Editor: ' Cutting that scene out. Continue please!'

Kero: ' Great! We're going to go to the school tonight and settle this!'

Sakura: ' At night? Nani? Iie! How am I supposed to get homework done? Not to mention, the school's haunted!'

Tomoyo: ' I'm going to go with you! Even though I can't possibly do anything other than videotape you!'

Kero: ' Let's start training you!'

Sakura: ' Wah!'

Later that night, at the school,

Sakura: ' I'm scared.'

Kero: ' Daijoubu, daijoubu. I'm here, see I'm very reassuring. Now, I'm going to follow that comment up with a sinister cackle. Mwahahahaha!'

Sakura: ' You're weird and that's not consoling in the least.'

Tomoyo arrives in a limo. ' Oka-san is totally fine with me coming to school this late at night. Let me introduce you to my bodyguards. As you can see, they're all female federal agents.'

Sakura: ' You're supposed to be my best friend. How come I've never met them before?'

Tomoyo: ' Well Clamp needs a reason to introduce them to the audience, so you've never met them yet.'

Bodyguard 1: ' Alright, miss, despite being your bodyguards we're just going to leave you here and pick you up later. Assuming you're still alive.'

Sakura: ' This is very convenient for me to keep my magical powers secret.'

Tomoyo: ' Hai! By the way, I have 160 costumes made for you that I sewed up overnight. How'd you like them?'

Sakura: ' Did you get any homework done?'

Tomoyo: ' Did you?'

Sakura: ' Good point.'

Tomoyo: ' Now change!'

Sakura: ' Why?'

Tomoyo: ' You don't look gay enough. How can you capture any cards if you don't use your homosexual appeal?'

Sakura: ' But I'm not gay.'

Kero: ' Ah ah ah! Some cards only respond to gay people! Now change!'

Later, Sakura is not fully clothed as Little-Red-Riding Hood, Japanese style.

Tomoyo: ' You look lovely! Of course, as I designed these myself, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.'

Sakura: ' Let's just go.'

They venture through the school grounds. Suddenly, Sakura hears something, and a naked angel statue carrying a hoop comes flying toward them.

Sakura: ' Why does Tomoeda Elementary have a statue of a naked woman with wings?'

Shadow Card: 'I have withdrawn all the shadows of the students in this school. But if you notice a few clips earlier, this morning all the students still had their shadows. I wonder if any of them noticed now they're missing shadows. Oh well, I'm going to try to kill this girl anyway.'

Sakura: ' I have Windy and Fly. How am I supposed to capture the Shadow Card again? I know, I'll use Windy to tie down Shadow like I did the Fly, even though that makes no sense!'

Kero: ' You moron! Light and Shadow? Come on? Isn't that the most obvious thing in the world?'

Sakura: ' I don't exactly have a flashlight, you know!'

Tomoyo: ' Leave that to me!'

Sakura: ' I'm going to just hover here and wait for the Shadow Card to throw things at me.'

The Shadow Card had other ideas, and grabbed Sakura's staff.

Sakura: ' Ah! Harry Potter never had to go through this!'

Flick flick flick! All the lights of the school turned on.

Shadow Card: ' Dang it!'

Tomoyo: ' I am so smart! Like, turning on school lights is the most obvious thing in the world! I can't believe you didn't use Windy to do that, instead of trying to tie it down like an imbecile! Speaking of which, aren't you impressed at how quickly I was able to turn on the lights between floors? I might as well teleported to each classroom!'

Kero: ' You guys are totally forgetting about the Shadow Card! Stop digressing and hurry up and capture that card!'

Sakura: ' I am going to use Windy again to tie up the Shadow Card, even though this time around it still doesn't make sense.'

The Windy wraps around the Shadow Card and successfully traps it, letting Sakura capture the card.

Tomoyo: ' How on earth did that work?'

Sakura: ' I don't really care.'

The next day, Sakura ran into Chiharu.

Sakura: ' Do you know where Tomoyo-chan is?'

Chiharu: ' She's in the audio/video room.'

Sakura: ' Arigatou!' She ran down the hall and opened the door when she arrived.

Sakura: ' Tomoyo-chan! I'm totally going to take about ten seconds to say what's on my mind and thank you for saving my life before I realize you're watching a video of me. By the way, how did you get that footage when you were in the building turning on the lights?'

Tomoyo: ' I have magic of my own! I can't miss a minute of you acting like a moron. It's just so amusing! It makes me feel so good about myself, which will explain why I'm not even the slightest bit jealous of you having magic. From now on, make sure you tell me whenever you go cardcaptoring so I won't miss a moment of you acting like a fool!'

Sakura: ' Wah!'

End credits.

Kero: ' Hi! I'm going to play Tyra Banks and analyze Sakura's very outrageous costume! It works in the anime but it won't work for you in real life unless you're at an anime convention where everyone looks just as stupid as you! Stay tuned for even sillier costumes and the next episode: Sakura's Heart-Racing First Date!'


	3. Sakura's HeartRacing First Date

Cardcaptor Sakura: Abridged (And turned upside down)

Author's Notes: Thanks everyone for reviewing!

Reply to MengLong: Yeah, there is. It's the dubbed version though, and the voice acting was…weird. I'm not saying this fanfic is in any way as good as Yugioh Abridged, but this is a fanfic, not a video, which has its own style and its own drawbacks. That one wasn't very well done, in my opinion, because LittleKuriboh really takes his time to make his videos as good as he could, whereas the Cardcaptor one…I'm not sure whether the guy just blew it off or something. In any case, the dub version, in my opinion, has less to make fun of than the sub version.

Reply to HugeHeadache: I know, it doesn't work quite as well as if I did a parody video and you had a visual to go along with it, not to mention a lot of the jokes only work if you remember how the episode went, which is probably not a lot of you. You can go to and watch the episodes posted there, or you can just kind of follow along. I'm not really sure how to rectify this. Maybe I'll come back and edit it later.

Onward!

At the aquarium, the fish moved around in straight lines, and each tank moves in the same direction.

Sakura: ' Wow! They don't act like real fish at all!'

Porcupinefish: ' I'm going to puff up for no reason.'

Sakura: ' I'm going to introduce myself YET AGAIN so the audience remembers my name is Kinomoto Sakura and I'm a fourth grader at Tomoeda Elementary. In case it wasn't clear already from the huge fish tanks around here, we're on a field trip, not in school. Because Japanese schools usually have huge tanks of exotic fish.'

Rika, Naoko, Chiharu: ' Right now Sakura-chan is behaving the least maturely out of all of us. We find that incredibly endearing.'

Tomoyo: ' Right. It makes the rest of us feel much more special, which is rare given she's the main character.'

Chiharu: ' Hey everyone! The penguin show is about to begin!'

Sakura speeds through past everyone. ' Hurry up guys! I'm going to run all the way over here and just stand on the steps of the escalator instead of rushing up even though there's no one ahead of me, and if I really was as excited as I seemed just now I would have run up the escalators as well.'

Tomoyo: ' I'm going to record the back of Sakura-chan as she's on the escalator! Because that's just so interesting!'

Sakura's Heart-Racing First Date

It was a splendid show! The penguins did the same tricks over and over again, no doubt because the animators did not want to do anything more complicated.

Sakura: ' Oh! They are so cute!'

Just then a whirlpool forms in the water and grabs the ankle of the smiling penguin-trainer.

Penguin-trainer: ' Alright! Nani?'

Sakura blinked: ' Hoe?'

Then the water pulls the trainer under.

Girls: ' Huh?'

The trainer lifts herself onto the surface. ' My leg! How come none of the other trainers are helping out yet?'

Below, the penguin, curious, pecks at the whirling water.

Sakura: ' Iie! Don't, penguin!'

Penguin: ' I'm not scared of this. This is just water acting very unwater-like.'

Watery: ' Stupid bird.' Coils around the penguin and starts spinning it.

Sakura: ' Iie! It got the penguin!' She starts slamming at the glass. ' Not the penguin! Let go of the penguin!'

Tomoyo: ' You sound very strange, Sakura-chan…'

Sakura: ' The penguin! The penguin's in danger! I don't care about the woman, but I must save the penguin!'

Touya then walks in: ' What the hell? Despite seeing a penguin randomly spinning in the water and the trainer in trouble, I'm going to take a precious moment to ask what is going on when it is obvious I should be doing something about this.'

Trainer: ' It's got the penguin! I'm sort of in the same predicament myself! I'm not sure what it is though, but hurry the hell up!'

Touya: ' I'm going to jump in the water! And I'm going to pull the waters apart to free the penguin like some iron clamp! I'm not sure how I would do it, but if Clamp really wants me to.'

Sakura: ' Oni-chan? How come I didn't know you work here?'

Later that day…Kero: ' The one who almost got drowned was the penguin?'

Sakura: ' Yup. The trainer nearly drowned too but…we don't really care about that. Moving on.'

Kero: ' That's pretty weird.'

Sakura: ' Yup. They say it might be because of a plug that got unplugged. I doubt it though, too weird. I wonder what it could be…'

Kero: ' It's a Clow Card.'

Sakura: ' I don't think it was an accident like that. Not to mention when Oni-chan pulled the waters apart in a way that doesn't make sense, the thing stopped. He didn't unplug it or anything.'

Kero: ' It's a Clow Card.'

Sakura: ' It's more…I don't know, there's something strange about the whole incident. Very unnatural.'

Kero: ' It's a freaking CLOW CARD! Come on, this is an anime series about you capturing cards! Of course every episode's going to have a Clow Card!'

Sakura: ' Except fillers.'

Kero scratches his head. ' Right…oh yeah. Except fillers.'

Touya enters the door: ' Tadaima!'

Sakura: ' Kero, go upstairs! Welcome home Oni-chan! By the way, you never answered my question about why you never told me you were working at the aquarium.'

Touya: ' I wrote it on the freaking whiteboard. Good grief, don't you know how to read?'

Sakura stared at the whiteboard. " I guess not…I'm still not sure why we have a whiteboard in our home. Do all Japanese families have a whiteboard in their living room?'

Touya: ' Don't know, don't care.'

Sakura: ' What do you do at the aquarium?'

Touya: ' I feed the penguins.'

Sakura: ' You're so lucky!'

Touya: ' No I'm not.'

Sakura: ' Why not?'

Touya: ' They freaking bite. Ooh, pancakes!' He then grabs a fork and eats a piece.

Sakura: ' Wah! You big meanie! I bought those with my own allowance! Though why a ten-year-old would buy pancakes out of all things is beyond me! It must be the Japanese culture.'

Touya: ' I have successfully provoked my sister into making a fool of herself in front of her crush. Hey Yuki, you done watching?'

Yukito stepped into view. ' It was very amusing. So amusing, I nearly forgot to take my shoes off while watching. Hello Sakura-chan." Smile that lacks only a glitter in teeth—but then, Japanese animators usually do not draw teeth except for comic effects.

Sakura: ' I can't tell if that smile is big-brotherly as it SHOULD be or flirtatious as this episode undoubtedly would make it, considering the title of this episode is my Heart-Racing First Date. Do you want some pancakes anyway?'

Yukito: ' These do look good. You are a good cook, Sakura-chan, although all you did was pour some mix onto a pan and flip it till it's done. Hm, you just said you bought it with your own allowance.'

Sakura: ' Doesn't matter. I'll serve these right to your door in my brother's room. Why you guys couldn't just stay here in the kitchen to eat must have to do with Japanese culture again.'

Yukito: ' You are such a good girl!'

Sakura blushes. She then brings the tray of pancakes to Touya's closed door.

Sakura: ' They knew I was going to bring them pancakes. Why the blazes did they close the door? I can't knock, but for some reason I didn't think about just shouting at them.'

Yukito: ' I have psychic abilities and knew when you would arrive at the door.' He opens the door and smiles for a long time at her in silence to look pretty. " Arigatou, Sakura-chan!'

Sakura: ' I have such a crush on you that it's almost nauseating.' She goes back to her room in a daze.

Kero: ' Oy! Snap out of it! Penguins are dying and you're here drooling over a guy nearly twice your age? Oh, and I just realized the trainer must have nearly drowned too. Why didn't you tell me?'

Sakura: ' Who cares about the trainer?'

Kero: ' The Clamp editors suddenly remembered that during voice recording and are trying to save their rear ends by putting it in this scene when it's obvious they forgot it during the beginning of the episode.'

Sakura: ' Who cares about Clamp?'

Kero: ' If you want to capture this card, you better care about Clamp. Now, did you see what was drowning the penguin and the trainer?'

Sakura: ' I wasn't paying attention at all to the trainer, but there was nothing but swirling water around the penguin.

Kero: ' Sounds like the Watery Card! Fitting for it to be in an aquarium and do nothing but spin penguins around when it seriously could have blasted through the tanks and drowned EVERYONE.'

Sakura: ' This is a children's anime, Kero-chan, as you said.'

Kero: ' Puh-Leaze! With the amount of gay people in here? Japanese anime is targeted at forty-year-old businessmen, not kids! Only bad American dubs are targeted at kids!'

Sakura: ' Why would forty-year-old businessmen like cartoons?'

Kero: ' Because they are sad sad people. Anyway, we have to find out how to capture the Watery Card.'

Sakura: ' What's so hard about it? I'll just bluff my way through like I did with the other two cards.'

Kero: ' Oh no, that won't work. You see, unlike the Fly and the Shadow, Watery isn't really tangible. Very hard to fight something that's not solid.'

(What the hell?)

Kero goes on: ' Watery's one of the higher cards too. In this show, we're going to ignore the fact that there are actually five natural elements and say that Watery is one of only four. Oh, and I forgot to mention that in this show Windy is also an element, and Woody isn't!'

Sakura: ' What's Woody? Are you talking about Toy Story?'

Kero: ' Iie! But you haven't met Woody yet so that's alright. Anyway, elemental cards are hard to use. Watery has a very offensive temper, even though water is usually correlated with healing and passiveness. But this is Clamp, and they do what they want.'

Sakura: ' So what do I do?'

Kero: ' Well, you can't use Windy. It's too nice. Nice people never win, you know. And Shadow and Fly, for once Clamp agrees with reality when they say using them to attack Watery simply doesn't make sense. Hm, I'm kind of stumped myself. Why don't you pout for a while to add suspense.'

The next day, Sakura paced around an extremely green courtyard as the other students lounged around posing for the shot. She walks slowly to show off her disproportionately long and very uncurvy legs. Tomoyo then follows, her legs equally long and even straighter.

Sakura: ' Oh my god. Our school has a pond. In addition to having a statue of a naked woman with wings, we actually have a pond with lilies in our courtyard. This is insane! Does Japan really have these?'

Tomoyo: ' Who cares? It's obvious Clamp put them there for poetic effect. What are you going to do about Watery?'

Sakura: ' Oh…I don't know.'

Tomoyo: ' You don't look cheerful enough to be a good Japanese citizen. Come on, perk up! Japanese girls are supposed to be chipper!'

Sakura: ' Right! But I still don't know what to do about Watery, and I would really like to get that over with.'

Tomoyo: ' I'm going to take your hands in my own as if I'm in love with you and speak nonsensical words of comfort that does nothing to further the plot.'

Sakura: ' Thanks! That makes me feel so much better.'

Tomoyo: ' By the way, Oka-san wants you to try out these new cell phones we've developed. I'm not sure which telephone service we're using, and who's paying for it. I presume it's my mom. Wow, they're really pink.'

Sakura: ' That's great! Pink is my favorite color! I'll take! See you tomorrow! Hm, now back to that Watery Card. What if I somehow combine these three cards that I have? Shadow, Fly, and Windy. There's gotta be a way. Not sure what, but there's gotta be a way that makes at least a little bit of sense!'

_Flashback_

Kero: ' No use! There is nothing you can do! NOTHING! YOU HAVE FAILED! IT IS HOPELESS!'

_End flashback_

Sakura: ' This is kind of discouraging.'

She is so absorbed in her thoughts, however, that she nearly crashes into Yukito, who catches her before she could fall.

Sakura: ' Now this is pretty embarrassing!'

Yukito: ' I am actually genuinely concerned that you nearly hurt yourself. By the way, the whipped-up pancakes you made yesterday were really good. Thanks for delivering it straight to our door like a maid.'

Sakura: ' Anything for you, Yukito-san!'

Yukito: ' By the way, would you like to go out on a date?'

Sakura: ' Of course!'

Yukito: ' Because none of the girls my age would go out with me. It probably has something to do with Clamp casting a woman to be my voice actor.'

Sakura: ' Are you serious?'

Yukito: ' Yup!'

Few minutes later;

Sakura: ' My voice will go even higher and squeakier out of excitement! I have a date with a guy seven years my senior! And I'm ten years old! I'm totally gonna be the first girl in my class to get married!'

She runs home and heads straight upstairs to call Tomoyo and tell her the good news.

Kero sweatdrops. ' Can't she tell he's feeling sorry for her? Not to mention hitting on her brother by being nice to her.'

The next day at one in the afternoon,

Yukito: ' Konnichiwa, Sakura-chan! How about we go to the aquarium?'

Sakura: ' Despite knowing there's a Clow Card there ready to cause trouble, I'm perfectly fine with risking that to do anything you say, Yukito-san!'

Yukito: ' Alright, great! Let's go!'

Tomoyo: ' I get to stalk Sakura on her first date. I wonder why she doesn't find my creepy by now.'

Kero: ' I'm going to look after that Clow Card while they're dating. And why am I wearing sunglasses? I thought I was the sun guardian so I shouldn't be afraid of sunlight.'

Tomoyo: ' You're supposed to be undercover.'

Kero: ' I'm a stuffed animal. How would sunglasses keep me undercover?'

Tomoyo: ' Dunno, but I'm going to head over and start filming. Coming?'

Kero: ' Hai!'

At the aquarium, a huge blue fish swims into the camera's view.

Yukito: ' Wow, this fish is huge! But what's more amazing is the fact that it's mouth isn't moving, which suggests it's not breathing.'

Sakura: ' Or that the animators forgot that little detail.'

Yukito: ' Or that.'

Sakura: ' Check it out, now the fish are swimming in the same direction as the rest of their species.'

Yukito: ' They're so orderly, it reminds me of North Korea.'

Sakura: ' How come they only swim horizontally?'

Yukito: ' They probably just don't know better.'

Tomoyo: ' What, they're not holding hands? What's the big idea? How am I supposed to win any Japanese reality show prizes if I can't even get a decent romantic video from my cousin's first date?'

Kero: ' I'm going to threaten a young child. And I shall lower my voice in an attempt to sound intimidating.'

The camera then zooms over the whole aquarium, where this time, instead of having all the fish swim in the same direction, none of the fish are moving at all.

Sakura: ' Wow, this is amazing! They manage to freeze despite water currents! And the air bubbles froze too!'

Yukito: ' Let's go to the tea room! Hey, there's Touya!'

Sakura: ' Oni-chan? How come Yukito-san knew you were here and I didn't?'

Touya: ' Because you don't pay attention to anyone but yourself. By the way, may I take your order?'

Sakura: ' Why are you a waiter? Weren't you working with penguins?'

Touya: ' They're checking up on their pond so I got moved here. Are you done asking questions?'

Yukito: ' At least you're out of the cold.'

Touya: ' Not really. I get to make snowcones.'

Sakura: ' This is the first time in the show that I thought about freezing Watery. The audience must think I'm extremely slow or something because freezing water is the most obvious thing in the world, next to boiling it.'

Yukito: ' Well then, I'm going to order…two snowcones please!'

Kero and Tomoyo spied on them from the top.

Kero: ' No wonder Touya was okay with this idea. He's going to make sure Yukito doesn't make any moves on Sakura.'

Tomoyo: ' No wonder Yukito didn't hold her hand. Touya was going to be here.'

Watery: ' I'm going to choose this moment to bust out of the tanks and drown anyone. This is much more fun than randomly spinning penguins around.'

The waters rush in and everyone nearly drowns.

Sakura: ' Watery's got my leg! And I can speak underwater! It's obvious the sound editors were too lazy to edit my voice to make it sound like I'm actually thinking instead of speaking.'

Yukito: ' There's a door that's locked! Despite this being a huge aquarium, opening one door would be sufficient to drain all the water out! Now I'm going to grab a random axe out of nowhere and hit the door square in the middle, because that's the best place to bust open the door.'

The door cracks like glass instead of wood.

Touya: ' Sakura-chan! Are you alright?'

Sakura: ' I'm wet, my dress is ruined, and my first date was trashed by Watery.'

Tomoyo: ' Are you alright, Sakura-chan?'

Sakura: ' Are you stalking me again?'

Tomoyo and Kero: ' Err……'

Yukito: ' I more concerned about the fact that I just bought snowcones and they were washed away than the fact that you nearly drowned.'

Sakura: ' Ice! That's the way to defeat the Watery! I'm going to freeze it into a block of ice!'

Later that night:

Security guard: ' I am not guarding this place at all. Instead I'm watching television. This is why two ten-year-olds were able to sneak into the aquarium undetected.'

Sakura: ' I am dressed as a Joker. Why did Tomoyo design this costume like this?'

Watery: ' For some reason, even though I had busted out of the tanks, all of the glass are still intact!'

Sakura: ' I'm going to lure Watery into a cold room and freeze it with Windy! This is the first time this season that I actually did something both mildly intelligent and sensible. Though it took me THREE DAYS AT LEAST to think of it!'

Kero: ' Ah don't be so hard on yourself. Clamp needed to drag this out for about 25 minutes. Besides, I didn't even think of it, and I should know these Clow Cards better than you!'

Sakura: ' It's because I rule!'

End credits

Kero: Konnichiwa! Are you guys doing your homework so you can get into a decent college? Well STOP IT and pay attention as I once again analyze Sakura's ridiculous costume! If you're wondering how Tomoyo managed to film Sakura being chased by Watery despite being two floors below where they were, I don't know either! But doesn't Sakura's costume remind you of the Court Jester? The things Japanese girls are willing to put up with! Stay tuned next time for " Sakura's Tiring Sunday"!


End file.
